Found in alt.sex many many years ago...


****************************************************************************
Q:  How do you make a hormone? 
A:  Put sawdust in the vaseline.
****************************************************************************
Q:  What do you call the area between the vagina and the asshole?
A:  A chin rest.
****************************************************************************
Q:  Heard about the virginity restoration kit?
A:  A needle, a thread, and a maraschino cherry.
****************************************************************************
Q:  How can you tell if you have an overbite?
A:  If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit.
****************************************************************************
Q:  Whats grosser than gross?
A:  When a guy fingers a girl a pulls out someone else's class ring.
****************************************************************************
Q:  Whats even grosser?
A:  When a cheerleader does the splits and two rings fall out:
    One's her boyfriend's and one's her own.
****************************************************************************
Q:  Why do wrap a hamster in electrician's tape?
A:  So it won't explode when you fuck it.
****************************************************************************
Q:  What's 6.9?
A:  A 69 interrupted by a period.
****************************************************************************
A foolish man had one wish, so he said he wanted to be
"white, uptight, and outtasight".... so the fairy
godmother turned him into a tampon.
****************************************************************************
Q:  Why can't scientists figure out what causes AIDS?
A:  They can't train laboratory rats to butt-fuck.
****************************************************************************
  Two winos, Rick and Billy, woke up in the alley in dire
need of a drink but with only sixty cents between them.
Rick had an idea and desides to give it a try so he went to
puchase a hot dog from the corner vendor, then pulled
Billy after him into the nearest bar and ordered a round
of drinks. After downing them, seeing bartender heading
their way wiht the bill, Rick quickly inserted the hot
dog in Billy's fly and began to suck on the end of it.
  "Get the hell out of here you goddamn fags!" This worked
equally well at the next bar, and the next-in fact, all
through the day-when finally crawled back to their spot
in the alley, dead drunk. "Ya shee what you can do with 
a hot dog?" slurred Rick cheerfully.
  "What hot dog?" laughed Billy. "We losht the hot dog
after the third bar."
****************************************************************************
Q:  What has got a pair of tits, 14 balls and jumps through the woods?
A:  Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
****************************************************************************
  A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and being told
that there was a fortune in horse racing he decided to purchase
one and enter him in the races. However at the local auction the
prices for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey
instead. He figured as long as it had it he might as well go
ahead and enter it in the races and to his suprise the donkey
came in third. The next day the racing sheets read:
                     "PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS"
  The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
the races again and this time it won. The papers read:
                 "PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"
  The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey again in another
race. The newspapers read this time:
             "BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PREACHER'S ASS"
  This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to
give the donkey to a nun of the same order who lived
in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read:
	     "PRIEST GIVES ASS TO NUN"
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she whould have to
dispose of the donkey and she found a farmer who was willing to
buy it for ten dollars. The paper stated:
                "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS"
  They buried the Bishop the next day.
****************************************************************************
   Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
   One said, "it was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints."
   Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
   The last said, "actually it was a civil engineer.  Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
****************************************************************************
Beam me up Scotty, it ate my phaser.
****************************************************************************
Q: what is the ultimate rejection?
A: when your jerking yourself off and your hand falls asleep.
****************************************************************************
Q: What did Spock find in the toilet?
A: The Captain's Log!!!
****************************************************************************
Q:	Why can you tell English women say "No" but really means "Yes" ?
A:	When I ask her if I can fuck her, she said "I cunt".
****************************************************************************
Eddie Murphy stars as a lawyer in:
LA Raw.	(Objection, yo motherfucking honor!)
****************************************************************************
  A guy came home to his wife and wanted to do it.  The wife said, "Not
  tonight honey, I have a headache, maybe tomorrow night."  The next day
  the husband came home from work and again the wife gave him the headache
  excuse.  The next day after work the husband came home and handed her
  a bottle of asprin.  The wife said, "I don't have a headache."
  Upon hearing this, the husband exclaimed, "Ha!  Caught you!"
****************************************************************************
To Health, Wealth and Happiness,
May all your up's and down's be between the sheets.
****************************************************************************
When I got married my brother-in-law told me to put a jar next to the bed.
Then for the first year of being married, put a penny in the jar every
time we made love.  After the first year, take a penny out every time.
He said it'll take the next 30 years to empty the jar!
****************************************************************************
You could add another punch line to this:
   (___) and (___) still have one year and $4.67 to go.
****************************************************************************
And then there's the husband talking about his sex life to his buddies:
- My wife and I have finally achieved sexual compatibility.
- Oh yeah? How's that?
- Last night we both had a headache...
****************************************************************************
A recent MBA graduate went to get a $100 bill tattooed on his penis.
The guy there told him that it is gonna be very painful and expensive.
But he still insisted on getting it done. After an hour of great pain, the
job was done. Then the guy asked him why did he want the tattoo so badly.
He said "Because I like to watch my money grow."
****************************************************************************
Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip.
****************************************************************************
There are two whales in the sea, and suddenly one of them gets hit
by a harpoon. "Bloody hell," he says, "where did that come from?".
"From that ship over there," says the other whale. "I've been getting
hit by them for years - look, I've got one scar on my left shoulder,
one on my right, and two in my chest." "Right," says the other whale.
"Let's get the bastards. I'll go under the ship and give them a 
surprise." So he swims under the ship and heaves a mighty puff of
air up and pushes the ship right out of the water. There are sailors
everywhere. "OK." says the other one. "Now let's eat them."
"No way", says the first one. "Blow jobs I can handle, but eating
seamen is well out of order!"
****************************************************************************
****************************************************************************
NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW
****************************************************************************
****************************************************************************
Q: What should you do if a pit bull is humping your leg?
A: Fake an orgasm
****************************************************************************
Q: What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and
   a Mexican American Princess?
A: A Mexican American Princess has real orgasms and fake jewelry......
****************************************************************************